so alone

I am alone, so very alone,
I am hurt, so very bad,
I am ignored, just thrown aside,
There is no one close, no one sees the pain,
I cry, my hope is gone.

I don't know how long I can carry on. This is mental torture. I tried and tried but I just cannot make myself to be strong. I have toppled, real badly and what else can I say but THANK YOU.

I hate you for driving me into a corner. I hate you for putting me in a spot. I hate you for making me cry so much each day. Never was a day that I am smiling now. Never was a day that I am happy as before. I hate you for turning my life down, so down....

My heart ache each day. I pray for healing to take its place soonest otherwise, I will go crazy.

My letter

Dariela suggested that I write a card or letter. In fact, I was planning to but was afraid that my Spanish wasn't broad enough to express....So I decided to write in English, sent to Mayde & Dariela and they can pass to the family.....Here it goes, written in 30 mins as they were preparing for the mass :

"I am at loss of words. My heart broke into pieces when I learned of the sudden, unexpected passing of Gustavo, and I cannot imagine the depth of all your sorrows. I wish I had words to comfort and sustain you all in your grief, but I know there are none that will take away any pain you all are feeling now.

My heart aches for you all, and my arms long to embrace you all. Although Gustavo is no longer physically present, it doesn't mean you all cannot continue to love him in his absence. The precious memories you all have of him will bring you all comfort.

Please accept these words as my warm hugs to wrap yourselves in, and know that I am holding you all in my heart at this sad and difficult time. It would be so much better if I could convey my condolences in person. But at the very least right now, I want you all to know that I am out here and my thoughts and prayers are with you all at this sad and difficult time.

Gustavo is and will always be living in my heart. He will always be my brother from Panama. There are many more to speak of this wonderful brother...A brother so caring, so loving without any conditions and without any favors. I will keep all the beautiful memories we had shared.


Please let me know if there is anything I can do. You can call Mayde or Dariela and they will know how to contact me. Please don't hestitate...

Wishing you all peace and healing,
Corrine Chan"

Gustavo Carcamo - 5/8/72 to 7/18/08

Age 36 years....Gus finally left and went back home. An offline message from Dariela plus 2 emails from kclatinamerica left me stunned and tears formed up instantly. I cannot believe what i am reading. Just last week, I was planning for my vacation in Panama but now, it has gone down....all dashed......all dashed...

Gus was a brave man. Even though he was in pain, he still makes it a point to laugh or giggle during our phone calls. He is in Heaven now where there is no pain. I will miss him lots....His only concern was Andreita. Young at probably 5 or 6 years now, she doesn't understand. Even though Gus only get to see her once a week, the both of them have this special bond. Andre was his sunshine.

Close friends in Panama knew that Gus was more than a brother to me. He was 1 of my special. We even talked about getting married in the future so that i can stay on in Panama. Gus thought that it was a good idea too.

Images of him started flashing across my head. I cannot understand why Gus had to go, but this is God's will and no one can stop Him. Apparently, Gus cannot see, he lost his appetite. His family brought him to the hospital whereby doctors sedated him. And that was it! Gus just left by dawn. The full details of his passing is not clear.

Spoke to Big sis, Florence.....broke down terribly. Flo said that Gus must be such an important person in my life otherwise, i won't be crying hard. Flo reminded me that he is back whereby there are no more suffering. I know, i know that clearly. I am just too emotional. I cannot cope such departing.

i asked God : teach me the way, why do i have to go thru all these pains and hurt. why is happiness 35% while sadness is 65%? I have many whys for God. I didn't get angry, i just need to learn more about His will.

i cannot write anymore........my eyes are forming so much water....

RIP Gus.....you are always in my little space.....i love you....

Friday - movie time again

Ah, we are going for the movie The Dark Knight. AE's got good promotion, 1 for 1, that is great savings....

i visited a "night club" yesterday. Lols........aunties & uncles are waltzing their way around and around the dance floor until i felt giddy....apparently, it is the trend over here. Ballroom vs Disco.....hahahahaha......but i disliked the way those guys swayed their butts. I don't find it natural....some of them are stiffed like a stick!!!! can't they learn more first before swaying????
i guess that i will take up this course. First of all, i need my dancing shoes....

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, i'm snacking away while blogging....hehehehe...bad for me but give me a break ok......

write more later.....work is still hanging up here....YELLLLLLLLLLLLLL

Sunny days?? or Rainy days??

it's been a week since we moved to TW. We experienced more rain than before. More thunders, more lightnings....Just like in Panama.



i'm counting days to move to the permanent place in 3 weeks. Not because i don't like this temporary place, this is a superb place! Transport is convenient, facilities are great too. I just want to settle down soonest....

i learnt some basic exercises from an ex-national champion. although it is simple, i can still sweat out from it. i must get those weight straps....

oh, i bought some sale stuffs from FCUK...most of them are dark colors. Good thing i made sure that i tried every piece, then shortlisted them in the fitting room...heheheheheh...i ended up with just 4 pieces...

Ah, i got to watch Panda Kungfu at AMC...i love the huggy looking panda...so cute....the expressions, the actions, the naive questions reminded me & cyn so much of SLIM.....do you think so?? lols....

Good week ahead, my friends....

i am going to rest my aching body now....

lazy post

see caption, too busy to writeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

mambo night! let's do it again, this time i will wear spag!!! the others went to rumba!!! it was super packed! and the AC broke down, it was pouring.....wet wet wet....

that's cyn, me and wy

me & cyn

make peace not war

my new friend, MEOW......

Meow in between......

He just wanted to play.....

i know that you've got nice bright eyes Meow!

Mysterious Meow

Bye CWB, Hi TW

yesterday was my 1st night in TW. Surprisingly, i didn't CWB at all....I only took video of that place before moving out.....

Ok, the temporary place is not that bad, quite breezy because of the rain/winds....only thing is the space. sleeping is a nightmare becos i have the sofa bed upright and i was afraid that it might topple onto me while i am sleeping...yikes....i will try to snap photos and you will share my fears...

the uprighted sofa.....

the heavy chair is the only item that can hold the sofa at its side

my luggage that contains 5 weeks of barangs that i will need....lols

the other room! we have no space and now the drying and hanging is here!! terrible!

there ain't any space! don't talk about unpacking!

this is only part of the mess!

those racks are stuffed and we cannot even bring any of the racks out to use in case the boxes topples....

more......

*******************************************************
many things happened during these few months. I am beginning to feel shagged, weary, lost...Am i afraid of ending up feeling lonely? Is this the right path? how could it had happen? how come i don't see it coming? what else can i do? it is the same in all my past relationships, the story line ends up the same!! is this suppose to be the end of the story book and not the usual "they live happily ever after"???

i must learn to accept reality. it will take time to heal especially when we are xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx........SIGH, who can understand my aching heart?

my heart aches so much one more time....why am i dropping tears again?

Oldies with memories

listening to oldies brought memories of G.....somehow, these songs back tracked my younger days....i miss you lots....i really do...I remembered how we watched movies together....We ate junks, we skated, we fight, we argue.....

recalling those years, you were actually a gentle person. You were always the first one to asked me if i had my meal. When i was losing weight at 1 stage, you were also the first one who told me to watch myself. When i was down, you were there sharing your thoughts. I never thanked you personally.

i remembered when you held my hand in the ICU tightly. I held back my tears. When you couldn't talk with tubes in the mouth, you scribbled on the board. Even though it wasn't clear, we tried to read what you wanted to say.

i left some messages on your msn sometimes. It is just to tell you that i miss you. I know that you are no longer suffering but honestly, i still cannot face the fact that you are not here anymore. I do have tears flowing down. I am so emotional.

you know what, i have a friend who looks like you. The way he sits, the way he dresses. I was so tempted to take the photo but i didn't get that chance. He tilts his head too just like you. Even his built is the same. See the photo below :)

really looks like Gege....
********************************************************************
the apartment lease is up and I am moving this weekend to a temporary place for 5 weeks. After that, i will move again to a semi permanent place. This is so tiring. I will be away from the crowded busy city. It doesn't matter.....up to now, we had packed 21 cartons, and more to come and we only have 30 cartons from the movers. SCREAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...

But of course, I do have wonderful friends around. 1 of them even wanted to loan me a TV!! Wow!...

thanks Friends!

Yawnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, goodnight....

Oh, we had such nice Japanese food and great Sake with Angel, Celing & Cynthia. Thanks for the treat.

I had many wishes this year. And I received a beautiful Wedgewood bookmark from Jenny. A cute cake from Angel. I will post the cake when i get back to the office.... And this morning, i have a surprise present from DIL too..
My surprised cake from Angel!!! this is the one that i saw together with Beverley & Ada somewhere in early june. But Angel doesn't know about it and so this is a nice surprise....

that's angel on the left, me, cynthia & margaret

My gift from DIL.......i like the title "never grow weary".....DIL seems to know my deep within...

I hope to write more, but i will be without the internet for the next 2 months!!!!!