so alone

I am alone, so very alone,
I am hurt, so very bad,
I am ignored, just thrown aside,
There is no one close, no one sees the pain,
I cry, my hope is gone.

I don't know how long I can carry on. This is mental torture. I tried and tried but I just cannot make myself to be strong. I have toppled, real badly and what else can I say but THANK YOU.

I hate you for driving me into a corner. I hate you for putting me in a spot. I hate you for making me cry so much each day. Never was a day that I am smiling now. Never was a day that I am happy as before. I hate you for turning my life down, so down....

My heart ache each day. I pray for healing to take its place soonest otherwise, I will go crazy.

My letter

Dariela suggested that I write a card or letter. In fact, I was planning to but was afraid that my Spanish wasn't broad enough to express....So I decided to write in English, sent to Mayde & Dariela and they can pass to the family.....Here it goes, written in 30 mins as they were preparing for the mass :

"I am at loss of words. My heart broke into pieces when I learned of the sudden, unexpected passing of Gustavo, and I cannot imagine the depth of all your sorrows. I wish I had words to comfort and sustain you all in your grief, but I know there are none that will take away any pain you all are feeling now.

My heart aches for you all, and my arms long to embrace you all. Although Gustavo is no longer physically present, it doesn't mean you all cannot continue to love him in his absence. The precious memories you all have of him will bring you all comfort.

Please accept these words as my warm hugs to wrap yourselves in, and know that I am holding you all in my heart at this sad and difficult time. It would be so much better if I could convey my condolences in person. But at the very least right now, I want you all to know that I am out here and my thoughts and prayers are with you all at this sad and difficult time.

Gustavo is and will always be living in my heart. He will always be my brother from Panama. There are many more to speak of this wonderful brother...A brother so caring, so loving without any conditions and without any favors. I will keep all the beautiful memories we had shared.


Please let me know if there is anything I can do. You can call Mayde or Dariela and they will know how to contact me. Please don't hestitate...

Wishing you all peace and healing,
Corrine Chan"

Gustavo Carcamo - 5/8/72 to 7/18/08

Age 36 years....Gus finally left and went back home. An offline message from Dariela plus 2 emails from kclatinamerica left me stunned and tears formed up instantly. I cannot believe what i am reading. Just last week, I was planning for my vacation in Panama but now, it has gone down....all dashed......all dashed...

Gus was a brave man. Even though he was in pain, he still makes it a point to laugh or giggle during our phone calls. He is in Heaven now where there is no pain. I will miss him lots....His only concern was Andreita. Young at probably 5 or 6 years now, she doesn't understand. Even though Gus only get to see her once a week, the both of them have this special bond. Andre was his sunshine.

Close friends in Panama knew that Gus was more than a brother to me. He was 1 of my special. We even talked about getting married in the future so that i can stay on in Panama. Gus thought that it was a good idea too.

Images of him started flashing across my head. I cannot understand why Gus had to go, but this is God's will and no one can stop Him. Apparently, Gus cannot see, he lost his appetite. His family brought him to the hospital whereby doctors sedated him. And that was it! Gus just left by dawn. The full details of his passing is not clear.

Spoke to Big sis, Florence.....broke down terribly. Flo said that Gus must be such an important person in my life otherwise, i won't be crying hard. Flo reminded me that he is back whereby there are no more suffering. I know, i know that clearly. I am just too emotional. I cannot cope such departing.

i asked God : teach me the way, why do i have to go thru all these pains and hurt. why is happiness 35% while sadness is 65%? I have many whys for God. I didn't get angry, i just need to learn more about His will.

i cannot write anymore........my eyes are forming so much water....

RIP Gus.....you are always in my little space.....i love you....

Friday - movie time again

Ah, we are going for the movie The Dark Knight. AE's got good promotion, 1 for 1, that is great savings....

i visited a "night club" yesterday. Lols........aunties & uncles are waltzing their way around and around the dance floor until i felt giddy....apparently, it is the trend over here. Ballroom vs Disco.....hahahahaha......but i disliked the way those guys swayed their butts. I don't find it natural....some of them are stiffed like a stick!!!! can't they learn more first before swaying????
i guess that i will take up this course. First of all, i need my dancing shoes....

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, i'm snacking away while blogging....hehehehe...bad for me but give me a break ok......

write more later.....work is still hanging up here....YELLLLLLLLLLLLLL